She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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