Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
