That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
