The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
