I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I smell stomach acid.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
