Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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