the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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