She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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