my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
