If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
