Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
