just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
