and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
