out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
