Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
