I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
