everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
