Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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