I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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