i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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