I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize