She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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