you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
