K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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