I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
