i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
