we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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