She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
