I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
