in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
