the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
