Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My liver is preforming stress tests.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize