I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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