Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He better not be in your backpack
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
