does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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