toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
