thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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