you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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