i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
