I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
