drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
