he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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