the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
