Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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