Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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