I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
