I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
