If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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