I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
