and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
