I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
