I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
