my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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