I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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