shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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