I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
