Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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